When you find out you're having twins, a lot of things go through your head, all of them in twos. Motst of those things are adorable, fun, positive things. Double the firsts. Double the fun. Double the smiles and laughs and loves. Double the cute factor. Double the blessings.
But lots of those things are less "this is going to be awesome!" and more "oh my heck I'm overwhelmed." Double the feedings. Double the crying. Double the diapers. Double the expense. Half the sleep.
But none of those things scared me half as bad as the thought of double the potty training. And then, when I realized I would be potty training two BOYS... Well, I think the only word to describe that is "yikes."
From the beginning, I decided I wouldn't force the issue. In my mind, three has been the magical number when we'd start working on potty training. Sure, diapers are kind of gross, but honestly I don't mind changing them that much. I'm only changing like 6-8 a day now, which is heaven compared to the 20+ I changed back when they were newborns. Not all of those are poopy. It isn't that bad. Besides, everyone tells you "wait until they're ready, and it'll be easier for both of you."
I think Thing 1 is getting ready, and Thing 2 isn't far behind him. I looked at the calendar today and realized, "Holy crap, they will be 2 1/2 in just a few weeks." This is the year they will turn three. THREE. I always figured by this point I'd have another baby and be a mature adult and feel like a "real mom" and whatever. But here it is, and I still feel sixteen.
The last few weeks, I've noticed the twins' diapers are drier for significantly longer periods of time. I haven't needed to change them as frequently. Before they would always wake up from their naps with soaking diapers, but now they are often almost completely dry.
Then a few days ago, Thing 1 started taking his diaper off at night. After the third time he did this in one evening, we resorted to duck taping it on. We've had to keep doing this before naps and bedtime so as to avoid wall paintings in the color brown.
This morning while we were playing, Thing 1 took off his pajamas and started taking off his diaper. I stopped him and said, "Do you need to go potty?" He got this ashamed look on his face and vehemently shook his head, then ran away. A few minutes later I noticed that familiar smell. "Did you go poopy?" I ask him. He looked away in embarrassment and insisted, "No!" Of course, he was lying.
So I started researching potty training twins online, and most of the signs are there. I think we are really close to ready to try it. But not until after we go to Disneyland this month, at least. Because I can't imagine a bigger nightmare than going to a theme park while we're still trying to potty train.
It makes me ridiculously sad to think of leaving diapers behind. Stupid, I know. Who wouldn't love to stop changing stinkies and pocket the $100 a month we'd save? But diapers are like the last part of babyhood I can cling to--something that I can point at and say, "See, they're still babies! Not little boys. Not yet."
When you struggle with infertility, I think each milestone hurts just a little, even though they're all positive life events. It was always my goal that once I started changing diapers, I wouldn't stop until I was done changing them for good. "No backsliding," I always tell my husband. "We're in the throws of babies right now, and I want to stay there until we're done having kids." I don't want to leave diapers behind or have children in school or whatever the event is, then go back to a newborn. But it doesn't look like it'll work out that way for us. It hurts even more since I had a miscarriage on Thanksgiving. We were so close, and yet we're so far.
I can feel it: the end of an era. The twins are talking so much these days, and I love the little conversations we have. They understand so much. I love that they can follow simple instructions. I love that they mimic adult things, like calling each other "honey," and saying, "Nice," in this ultra sarcastic way just like my mom does when you do something she thinks is stupid. I love that they're starting to enjoy reading books together and learning their colors and forming opinions on what they want to eat for breakfast and wear for the day and do for fun. People always talk about the terrible twos, but for me two has been a blast (one was the nightmare year). I love that we can finally start enjoying all the things we used to talk about, like Disneyland.
But I miss the baby stage. I miss the newborn smell and first smiles and learning coordination. I miss it so much my heart hurts and leaving behind diapers is really sad for me. But it's exciting too. I love being a mommy to my two precious sons, and I am so excited to watch them live and grow.
Honestly, though, I'm just really really REALLY nervous to attempt potty training. Maybe we'll wait for warmer weather so we can just spend all day outside. Accidents are much less of a pain to deal with out there...